Cầu Giấy, Hanoi – Noting that the sheer radiant brilliance and
purity of Hanoi’s Weatherdude is simply too good to be longed for the
Vietnamese capital, many residents have today expressed fear that the beloved meteorologist
and social media personality may never return from Huế.
Few Vietnamese icons have been met with such outright
adoration, respect and unsolicited photos of amorous genitalia than Hanoi’s
Weatherdude. As such, the home-grown hero’s absence from his native Hanoi has
cast a powerful sense of dread that currently hangs over the city’s residents,
weighing on our collective souls heavier than the darkest of cumulonimbus clouds.
“Seriously, I haven’t used my iPhone weather app the whole
time I’ve been here – he’s got a captive market on meteorology, he can’t just
release us, defenceless, back into the wilderness of inaccuracies and discrepancies!”
shrieked one nameless Tây as he
frantically set about burning poorly-crafted effigies of Hanoi’s Weatherdude in
a desperate bid to bring about his return.
“Oh ye mighty Weatherdude,
why hast thou abandoned us?” the painfully pasty and tastelessly naked man
screamed into the sky as his god turned his back upon him.
With Hanoi’s
Weatherdude currently on an extended vacation in Huế, many among the
community have taken this time to reflect on their worthiness of the revered
atmosphere-enthusiast.
“He was just too pure, too quintessentially good for us,”
sighed Melony Malone as she eye-fucked her Bia Hoi with a vacant gaze.
“Maybe we never deserved such a benevolent climatologist – I
just wish that we’d been kinder when he was here, y’know? Like we could’ve
perhaps just told him more often how much we appreciate him, his work and his boundless enthusiasm for weather, do
you think that could’ve stopped him leaving us?” she asked our reporter,
clinging to his sleeve and not breaking eye-contact for an unsettling period of
time.
Speculation as to the return of Hanoi’s Weatherdude has
reached fever pitch today, with a candlelit vigil being held in Tây Hồ later
tonight, weather permitting.
When reached for comment, organisers of the event expressed
doubt as to whether it would go ahead, given the lack of meteorological commentary
that has thus far determined the lives of Hanoians since the Weatherdude’s inception
in the primordial ooze.
“We’re just thankful
he’s only in Huế,” said Hanoi resident and admirer of rain, Người Gây Bão, “At
least they’ve got 4G there – for a harrowing moment we thought he was back up
on Mount Olympia chilling with Zeus and taking pot-shots at Potte Tower with lightning
bolts.”
If you're reading this Weatherdude, we miss you and we want you to come home.
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