Secret underground bunker, Hanoi – Addressing residents of
the capital city through a pre-recorded message, a junior government official
sporting a rather fetching hazmat suit has today confirmed that everything is
absolutely under control.
Fogging up the helmet of his hazmat suit, Nguyen Vô Danh
excitedly rattled off a series of reassuring remarks designed to quell the
rising paranoia and fear that has gripped Tây Hồ following the lightbulb
factory that was set ablaze on August 29th.
“Please remain calm, the panic is entirely unnecessary,”
stammered a frantic Nguyen from an undisclosed location, “Please understand,
lightbulbs are harmless – there are even Vietnamese recipes that contain such
lightbulbs, we feed them to children to make them strong and bright, everything
is fine, perhaps the weather has changed, but please go about your day with
hope in your hearts and air in your lungs.”
The transmission, broadcast through all available state
media ended with Nguyen ensuring that any warnings issued prior had been issued
in error and that Tây Hồ residents should simply trust in the unfaltering track
record of the government.
Meanwhile on the surface world, the depressingly white
district of Tây Hồ was surging with an energy reminiscent of Black Friday, with
every pair of hands itching their way through the uncertainty and repeatedly
demanding to know where mercury testing kits are sold, but despite the
hysteria, no mass shootings have yet been reported.
The Durian can
exclusively reveal that at least one expat has died since the blaze, but
sources later confirmed this was after the unidentified American had taped a
plastic bag around his head to protect himself.
Speaking with The
Durian to voice his concerns, Adam Stroud remains unconvinced by the
government’s comprehensively soothing message.
“I can’t believe this,” he cried petulantly into the
possibly toxic air, “It’s an insult to our intelligence that they’re trying to
cover this up!
“I might not have a medical background and as an evangelical
Baptist, certainly I can’t trust any of ‘science’ involved,” he said, making
air quotes, “But my lack of teaching certification hasn’t stopped me from
making a living in a classroom.”
Conversely, Professor Tuyên Truyền at the University of
Scyence sees no reason to be alarmed.
“In all my years of existence, I can’t think of a single
instance in which a one-party state would compromise the health and future of
its citizens for the sake of saving face by lying about the potential harm of a
toxic chemical incident, so frankly this seems like a lot of overblown
nonsense,” claimed the professor, adding that those seeking to discredit the
government’s official stance were perhaps themselves afflicted by toxic fumes
released by the recent lightbulb factory fire.
For many, the issue of unbreathable air was nothing new and
warranted no special fanfare in Hanoi.
Among this vocal demographic, part-time
environmentalist and full-time stoner Chad Williams explained why the calamity
is unnecessary.
“Firstly, if you’re only just choosing to consider the
quality of the air you breathe and the food you eat, you’re a moron and
secondly, whether the lightbulbs contained mercury, mercury amalgam or some
other alloy or if they contained nothing harmful to humans, we’re all going to
die regardless because, spoiler alert, we die at the end,” he shouted into a
megaphone whilst walking down Tô Ngọc Vân.
“Don’t think of this toxic spill as cutting lives short,
think of it as expediting nature’s paperwork!”
More on this story if we're all alive next week.
No comments:
Post a Comment