Tinder date gets hands on wrong kind of dong

Ba Đình, Hanoi – Awaking with dim memories of rice wine induced carnal pleasures, 24-year-old Albert Strong was today paying the price of a one-night stand, upon learning that his Tinderella had vanished, along with his stash of ill-gotten đồng.

Strong, a teacher by day, DJ by night and all-round embarrassment to his family, rapidly established the true cost of his ill-fated date when he found the secret cash-filled sock under his pillow to be missing.

“I probably should’ve known this would happen,” sighed a visibly hungover Strong, “Most women don’t get my cerebral humour – she just couldn’t get her head around any of the bánh mì jokes I was making, even when I did it like, really obvious, sticking my finger into my sandwich.”

Unbeknownst to Strong, the one-time DJ and full-type tedious arse makes regular cameos on Hanoi Beautiful where reviews of his romantic prowess range from “an elaborate, oxygen-thieving, STD delivery mechanism” to “He fell on top of me with all the simmering passion of a dead tree and then tried to put it in my belly button.”

With last night’s rice wine still hanging around him like a cloud of ethanol, Strong estimated he had lost somewhere between 4 to 6 million VND – a sum he is yet to make through DJing, but one that he assures reporters could be made up in a few Kindergarten classes.

“To be fair,” he said, assessing the damage, “I guess this makes it cheaper than most of the times that women let me be naked with them.”

Cecilia Surmont, the đồng-and-dash lady in question, was eventually tracked down by The Durian but showed minimal remorse for the previous night’s theft.

“After the fifth shot and the seventh joke about me being a hooker, I just sort of followed his eyes when he laughed nervously about paying me in the morning,” she explained, “All it took was about 30 seconds of shrimp-surfing and then time get some real đồng.

“Honestly, I thought I’d feel worse than I do, but given the level of corruption here and the fact that Albert’s neither a real teacher nor a real DJ, it sort of felt like par for the course,” she said with a smile.

At press time the two were preparing for their second date.