Nobody sure how Vietnam survived invention of the car - The Durian - Hanoi's Smelliest News


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Nobody sure how Vietnam survived invention of the car

Ba Đình, Hanoi – Experts of varying discipline gathered in the capital today to academically gasp in amazement at the continued survival of the Socialist Republic of Vietnam, in spite of the introduction of four-wheeled death machines to the sovereign state’s roads.

Noting that the Vietnamese language was yet to create a term for a “turning circle,” esteemed anthropologists, humanitarians, linguists and sociologists exclaimed their shock at the continued survival of the Vietnamese people, following their masochistic proclivity for steel death cabins they have no control over.

“Honestly, we foresaw massive sustained casualties across this great nation when a foreign species of vehicle was introduced to the fragile ecosystem of Vietnamese roads, but now – with only one road death every hour – we feel nothing if not humbled by the aptitude of Vietnamese motorists,” sighed top vehicle-ologist Kim Loại Xoắn.

“I shit you not, all of our studies pointed to the complete extinction of Vietnamese way of life when cars took to these delicate roads – we calculated that such girthy vehicles, coupled with the average national spatial awareness, which we measured in emojis used per text message, would result in nothing but catastrophe,” added Kim, who admitted, none of the data his team had modelled backed up the continued existence of Vietnamese people after the advent of the car

Although nationalistic critics have been quick to intervene on social media, taking to the Ethernet with the frenzied rabidity one would expect in a one-party state, anyone with any experience of driving outside of Vietnam acknowledges that it is through sheer miracle alone that any of the 96 million inhabitants of this country have survived.

“I get it, cars make you look important and probably do something for penile compensation, but if you don’t know how to operate such machinery – well, this is why you have to be 18 to buy a gun where I’m from,” exclaimed long-time driver and first-time visitor to Vietnam, Zach McCracken.

The 24-year-old American was initially disturbed by what he perceived as a lack of cars on the road, but after just seven hours, McCracken became a devout convert and launched a Kickstarter campaign to prevent the import of American cars to Vietnamese roads.

“Shit man, it’s like that old Playstation game, Demolition Derby, ‘cept most of the players have only got bikes and small children to protect them when BAM! – in comes some fuckin’ dude cruising about in fuckin’ paramilitary APC – shit’s whack!” stated the American, before pre-emptively posting “#ThoughtsAndPrayers” lest another mass shooting occur back home while he proceeded to get blackout drunk at a local bia hoi.

Ever seeking to stick a crowbar of justice between the extremes that divide us, The Durian delved deeper into Vietnam’s self-titled “Carmageddon” to uncover the true facts.

The nation’s ability to not only survive, but thrive in an environment that has been rapidly overtaken by Neolithic fuckwits with far more money than automotive ability has left international onlookers stunned, yet seemingly this aggressive breed of cashed-up Yuppie has more than infiltrated a new environment.

It has become the new environment.

“I learned how to drive from my father – well, him and his bodyguard,” explains nouveau riche shit-sack and probably future parliamentarian, Nguyen Tiền Lồn.

“I make the vroom-vroom go fast-fast I do, but only when I’m on the phone cause indicators are just part of the Western idealism that festers in our nation’s heart,” exclaimed the well-to-do soon-to-be road death statistic.

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