Food scientists at The Pizza Company “violated laws of nature,” court finds

Cầu Giấy, Hanoi – After standing accused of testing the absolute limits of what humans can be expected to consume, a team of food scientists at The Pizza Company were found to have violated the laws of nature, according to The Durian’s court reporter.

Standing trial at the Hanoi Court of Gastronomy, with the right honourable Judge Máy Cắt Ruột presiding, the team of three food scientists pleaded guilty to experimenting on live human subjects in restaurants across the country and beyond national borders.

Defendant and scientific wrong-brain, Chỉ Ăn Thôi addressed the jury directly following the team’s decision to fire their legal representation in the name of experimentation.

“Today you have heard that we are monsters, reckless dabblers of gastronomy and an affront to the whole of Italy, but ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I am here to tell you otherwise,” the accused yelled, cackling as he did so.

“You pedants may call it a crime against humanity, a violation of pizza, but we – the far-seers of flavour – we will be vindicated by history, nothing will stop us in our quest to create the boldest pizzas this world has ever seen, we will be victorious!” screamed a deranged Chỉ, before adding that nobody knew how good mint choc-chip goat’s milk would be when baked onto a cheese and grease soaked wad of dough, but that The Pizza Company had the right to let them find out.

Prosecutors had previously presented menus from The Pizza Company to the jury, arguing that no customer should be forced to choose between the restaurant’s signature Pickled Seafood Extravaganza with a glow-in-the-dark puree crust and the Whipped Cream Durian Pizza Pie.

“Your honour, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we the prosecution put it to you that no sane human could possibly be expected to willingly purchase and consume some of the monstrous aberrations of nature that Mr Chỉ and his team have been creating in their underground facilities,” argued Nguyen Quá Đúng, the lead prosecutor.

“What ethical scientist could possibly condone live human tests with this combination of ingredients, let alone build an entire business model around it? Does a 16-inch Sweet Potato and Squid Supreme sound like something you would want your child to eat, even by accident?” Nguyen asked a mortified jury.

After enduring a punishing four hours of The Pizza Company’s promotional materials for what he concluded was “the antithesis of anything that anyone should put in their mouth or any other orifice,” Judge Máy sentenced the trio to multiple life sentences for violating the laws of nature with their defilement of the good name pizza.

Responding to the ruling, a spokesman from The Pizza Company took to social media to express the company’s intention to appeal.

“We will take this all the way up to the International Court of Cuisine in Switzerland if we must, we will see that justice is served and when it is, it’ll be wrapped up neatly in a burnt 12-inch Chili Mackerel Calzone with extra bones,” the Facebook post read, adding that patrons of the restaurant chain could look forward to abstract concepts such as ennui and schadenfreude as early as February 2020.