Rat totally grossed out by backpackers at restaurant - The Durian - Hanoi's Smelliest News


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Rat totally grossed out by backpackers at restaurant

Hoàn Kiếm, Hanoi – A local rat has today been mortified to see a pack of dreadlocked bro-hemians scurrying about the place at a local restaurant, The Crackpacker’s while trying to gorge on garbage and detritus. One crustafarian, who was reportedly as big as 5ft something, was reportedly the leader of the pack and could be seen scampering around The Crackpacker’s with reckless abandon according to rodent sources familiar with the situation.

“It was this great, hairy white thing just bustling about, asking when the free beer was going to be served every 15 minutes,” claimed resident rodent Jeff, who was born without a surname on account of being a bastard rat.

“I’d ordered a floor-serving portion of the unknown-soldier-meat, the place seemed clean enough – you know, just another quiet restaurant floor for a romantic dinner and then suddenly we could hear all these noises, like ‘Doo yooo speek Inglissshhh?’ and I told my wife that it sounded like backpackers.”

Jeff and his wife, Rosetta, were happily tucking into some off-cuts that had lost a battle with gravity on the patio when they saw highly-strung white people scuttling across the floor, replete with linguistic deficiencies, AirPods and an unmistakable sense of entitlement.

“I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been around, I’ve eaten a lot of places – high-end and in the gutter, literally – but this totally put me off my offal,” said Jeff, who had reportedly spent the morning consoling his wife in the privacy of a garbage bin.

Other vermin diners were also repulsed by the sight of the gangly woke-folk, who allegedly whipped out an acoustic guitar before their food was served and began aurally agonising renditions of Oasis’s 1995 cunt-classic Wonderwall, prompting one whole mischief of rats to walk out in disgust.
One patron of The Crackpacker’s who identifies as a muroid rodent and wishes to remain anonymous spoke exclusively to The Durian through a vet, who served as a translator.

“It was such a disappointment, I’d heard so much about this place [The Crackpacker’s] on SewageAdvisor and everyone said that the floor-to-table leftovers were supposed to be divine, so I’m especially disappointed that our experience was marred by the obvious presence of such unhygienic beasts.”

The anonymous animal later questioned our reporter as to the meaning of an Ed Sheeran and asked who is this fabled Wi-Fi password.

More on this story after we send another unwitting intern into the sewers for follow-up interviews with little more than a flashlight and the promise of a Grab bike home.


  1. Tay Ho, Hanoi. Karen, an encrusted short pink haired SJW teacher managed to leave Tay Ho to get breakfast. In this incredible feat Karen managed to navigate the empty streets and into the neighbouring district. When asked about her audacious journey, Karen seemed lost and bewildered. She said "I needed my vegan breakfast and because people here are so selfish not to open a vegan restaurant in front of my house, I decided to try and find one. I didn't use my new Iphone 11 to order food because it has plastic in it and we are like saving the oceans, ya know! Before long I had entered into an unknown territory and felt like I was in Asia!". Luckily two kind Irish passers-by escorted a shaken Karen back into Tay Ho where she would not be faced with anything Asian again and could focus on finding herself through hot-urine yoga, seeds, mandala scarves and incense. It is not yet known how long it will take for Karen to find herself.

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