Tây Hồ, Hanoi – A local Labrador has today revealed he would
rather be stolen, brutally hacked apart and callously marinated before being
consumed rather than listen to another tiresome diatribe about the power of
chakras from his vegan owner, Cindy McGraw.
Speaking to The Durian
through a certified dog-whisperer, Cornelius the black Labrador confirmed his
desire for doggy-euthanasia.
“Please, just end it – end it all now, come friendly dog
thieves! You know I’m descended from wolves? Wolves for fuck’s sake! You ever
see a wolf picking at his tofu, fretting impatiently over whether the chef wore
the same gloves to prepare something with cheese? This is my life every single
day, now please fucking kill me,” barked an exasperated Cornelius.
“I long for the day I’m nabbed on the street and sold for my
presumably delicious meat, sure the Hanoian dog trade is grim, but have you
ever been taken moon-bathing or sat through a two-day dreamcatcher weaving
workshop? Insufferable,” woofed the nihilistic canine.
Noting that Vietnamese tradition, murderous and torturous as
it has proven itself to towards his species, Cornelius reasoned that no cage could
be more stultifying than listening to the self-aggrandising tirades of his overly-zealous
vegan owner.
“She’s a fucking ESL teacher, not a nutritionist – no dog
should be expected to live off second-hand quinoa, I may eat my own vomit and
lick my own balls, but one more bowl of dry lentils and I’ll fucking grill
myself,” Cornelius lamented through the dog-whisperer, also named Cornelius –
no relation.
“I mean seriously, my mate Snoop’s human is on some whacked
out diet where he only eats red meat – while mine [McGraw] only takes time out
from scoffing pine nuts to tell everyone how they’re great for her aura and
that if the whole world went vegan we’d all shit rainbows, Hanoi would have
breathable air and unicorns would gore corporate lawyers to death in the
streets, it’s like c’mon Cindy – your mates didn’t see you munching them
McNuggets the other night when you were wankered, but I did,” barked the
four-legged beast, who has since been placed on suicide watch.
“Was I not the good boy she always tells me I am? Surely, if
I am I deserve better – if I’ve not been a good boy then I will reclaim my
honour and perform hara-kiri with traffic,” he added.
When reached for comment, McGraw claimed she is doing her
best to protect animals around the world, despite admitting she will abandon
Cornelius in Hanoi when her trust fund runs out.
“If I don’t make aggressive Facebook statuses informing the
world about the bowel-freeing virtues of kombucha or post daily Instagram
stories about the mulched suffocated cumquats that I’m eating to save us all,
then we will all die! I am the thin green line between life and death, between
morality and depravity, nothing must stop me in my quest to siphon the joy from
this world in order to preserve it!” she screeched, before assaulting our reporter
with a stick of broccoli.
“Besides, Corny loves my boiled bean surprise,” she added and
let out a ripe fart that abruptly ended the interview.
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