Dog would rather be stolen and eaten than listen to vegan owner - The Durian - Hanoi's Smelliest News


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Dog would rather be stolen and eaten than listen to vegan owner

Tây Hồ, Hanoi – A local Labrador has today revealed he would rather be stolen, brutally hacked apart and callously marinated before being consumed rather than listen to another tiresome diatribe about the power of chakras from his vegan owner, Cindy McGraw.

Speaking to The Durian through a certified dog-whisperer, Cornelius the black Labrador confirmed his desire for doggy-euthanasia.

“Please, just end it – end it all now, come friendly dog thieves! You know I’m descended from wolves? Wolves for fuck’s sake! You ever see a wolf picking at his tofu, fretting impatiently over whether the chef wore the same gloves to prepare something with cheese? This is my life every single day, now please fucking kill me,” barked an exasperated Cornelius.

“I long for the day I’m nabbed on the street and sold for my presumably delicious meat, sure the Hanoian dog trade is grim, but have you ever been taken moon-bathing or sat through a two-day dreamcatcher weaving workshop? Insufferable,” woofed the nihilistic canine.

Noting that Vietnamese tradition, murderous and torturous as it has proven itself to towards his species, Cornelius reasoned that no cage could be more stultifying than listening to the self-aggrandising tirades of his overly-zealous vegan owner.

“She’s a fucking ESL teacher, not a nutritionist – no dog should be expected to live off second-hand quinoa, I may eat my own vomit and lick my own balls, but one more bowl of dry lentils and I’ll fucking grill myself,” Cornelius lamented through the dog-whisperer, also named Cornelius – no relation.

“I mean seriously, my mate Snoop’s human is on some whacked out diet where he only eats red meat – while mine [McGraw] only takes time out from scoffing pine nuts to tell everyone how they’re great for her aura and that if the whole world went vegan we’d all shit rainbows, Hanoi would have breathable air and unicorns would gore corporate lawyers to death in the streets, it’s like c’mon Cindy – your mates didn’t see you munching them McNuggets the other night when you were wankered, but I did,” barked the four-legged beast, who has since been placed on suicide watch.

“Was I not the good boy she always tells me I am? Surely, if I am I deserve better – if I’ve not been a good boy then I will reclaim my honour and perform hara-kiri with traffic,” he added.

When reached for comment, McGraw claimed she is doing her best to protect animals around the world, despite admitting she will abandon Cornelius in Hanoi when her trust fund runs out.

“If I don’t make aggressive Facebook statuses informing the world about the bowel-freeing virtues of kombucha or post daily Instagram stories about the mulched suffocated cumquats that I’m eating to save us all, then we will all die! I am the thin green line between life and death, between morality and depravity, nothing must stop me in my quest to siphon the joy from this world in order to preserve it!” she screeched, before assaulting our reporter with a stick of broccoli.

“Besides, Corny loves my boiled bean surprise,” she added and let out a ripe fart that abruptly ended the interview.

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