Cockroach disgusted to find nest of Tâys in home

Long Biên, Hanoi – Startled in the small hours of this morning, a local cockroach known only as Jeff was overcome with disgust after encountering what appeared to be a whole nest of Tâys inhabiting his home.

“It must’ve been three or four in the morning,” recounted a visibly shaken Jeff, “I’d just popped out of bed to visit the little roaches’ room and there it was, this great, hideous, pasty-white creature, lumbering about the place in some foul-smelling underwear.”

Stating that he felt physically repulsed at the sight of the large male Tây he found in his home, Jeff reluctantly embarked on an investigation of the entire house and was shocked to discover a thriving nest of the creatures that had somehow infiltrated the building.

“Well, you know what these filthy beasts are like; once you’ve found one of them, you just know there’ll be more lurking about somewhere.”

A thorough search of the house confirmed Jeff’s worst fears that his home had indeed become infested with an especially pale species of Tây – many of whom he feared may be teaching English on tourist visas.

Infamous for their characteristic ability to rapidly build nests and colonise entire homes, Jeff noted the more revolting properties of the Tây, such as sweating all year round, reeking of cheese and stale smoke while existing on little more than a diet of late-night takeout pizza and moral superiority. He couldn’t imagine how such an excessive infestation of Tâys had taken root.

“The swill and crusty misery that they seem to enjoy wallowing in – ugh!” he stated, shaking his head in shame, “I just never thought it would happen to me,” he added, before emitting a high-pitched clicking sound and scuttling off under the bath to think about how he’d let his life slide into such disrepair.

After recovering from the initial shock at the sheer degradation of his abode, Jeff reportedly entered a state of clarity about his own lifestyle choices. “For me it was a big wake-up call, you know? You start to let a few things slide and then the next thing you know, your house is crawling with these hairy freaks.”

“It could just be this time of year – the cold weather seems to drive a lot of critters crawling indoors, but this isn’t rats or mice or ants we’re talking about, those I can handle. These things don’t belong in a respectable home – not even in a gutter.”

At press time a decidedly embarrassed Jeff was waiting in a nearby trash pile as exterminators dragged out the gassed corpses of some dreadlock-sporting Tâys.

The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.