With chinos
hanging low around his considerable ankles, New Era snapback firmly affixed to
his head, we can report that Waddington began emitting a series of mating calls
unique to the lesser speckled lad, also known as the diet lad.
Ostensibly in Vietnam to teach English, Waddington is one of
the many lesser speckled lads that have migrated eastwards in recent years,
bringing their native culture of banter to Hanoi with shocking results.
Deborah
Sanders, a current housemate of Waddington, found herself confronted with the
half-naked diet lad noisily squeezing out the faecal equivalent of a dead
racoon earlier this morning.
“First I heard this primal grunting coming from somewhere
down the hall, it was this guttural sound, it couldn’t be human I thought, I
mean, it was audible from my room and I thought it must be a particularly large
rat or a dying stray dog, so I set out to investigate and BOOM! There he was,
shitting with the door open.”
Frozen in place, transfixed by this overtly macho
performance of eliminating metabolic waste, Sanders could say nothing, but
reported that Waddington’s response to her contorted face of horror with a
cool, unfazed “’Sup.”
Director of Studies for Anthropology at the University of
Vietnam, Dr. Binh Nam, explained the shocking display as routine for the lesser
speckled lad.
“What you need to bear in mind with the lesser speckled lad is
that, as a species, they’re afflicted with such a crushing sense of inferiority
that is, sadly, compounded by an inherent sense of entitlement that leads many
of the younger specimens to feel a deep biological need to mark their
territory, often with excrement – as with this case – or with a noxious scent
that can be sprayed from either their oral or rectal glands.”
Concerned that Waddington’s display of machismo was in no
way an isolated incident, Dr. Binh Nam continued.
“We’ve seen a growing number
of migrating lesser speckled lads in Hanoi over the last five years, whereas
previously their migration was seasonal, often arriving in packs for a few
weeks or months at a time as they set out to ‘do’ southeast Asia on a gap year,
we’re currently investigating the root causes of these increasing numbers and
what can be done to curtail their more twattish traits.”
Waddington is reportedly still at large.
A current housemate
of the Đội Cấn residence who wishes to remain anonymous spoke to The Durian.
“The sink was dry after he left, don’t ask what I was
doing in there that soon after he’d taken a dump, but all I’m saying is that
he’s out there, somewhere, with unwashed hands coated in particles of human
shit, think about that the next time you hi-five a dude wearing a baseball cap
in winter.”
At press time it is unclear whether or not Waddington
flushed.
The Durian is a
satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed
only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely
coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing
out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.
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