New housemate asserts dominance by shitting with bathroom door open - The Durian - Hanoi's Smelliest News


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New housemate asserts dominance by shitting with bathroom door open

Ba Đình, Hanoi – Residents of a Đội Cấn house share were today treated to an unprecedented display of masculine dominance by new housemate, Ralph Waddington. Hunched over the porcelain potty, Waddington sat atop his new throne of defecation leaving the door to the only communal bathroom open in a ritualistic exhibition of unrivalled hubris.

With chinos hanging low around his considerable ankles, New Era snapback firmly affixed to his head, we can report that Waddington began emitting a series of mating calls unique to the lesser speckled lad, also known as the diet lad.

Ostensibly in Vietnam to teach English, Waddington is one of the many lesser speckled lads that have migrated eastwards in recent years, bringing their native culture of banter to Hanoi with shocking results. 

Deborah Sanders, a current housemate of Waddington, found herself confronted with the half-naked diet lad noisily squeezing out the faecal equivalent of a dead racoon earlier this morning.

“First I heard this primal grunting coming from somewhere down the hall, it was this guttural sound, it couldn’t be human I thought, I mean, it was audible from my room and I thought it must be a particularly large rat or a dying stray dog, so I set out to investigate and BOOM! There he was, shitting with the door open.” 

Frozen in place, transfixed by this overtly macho performance of eliminating metabolic waste, Sanders could say nothing, but reported that Waddington’s response to her contorted face of horror with a cool, unfazed “’Sup.”

Director of Studies for Anthropology at the University of Vietnam, Dr. Binh Nam, explained the shocking display as routine for the lesser speckled lad. 

“What you need to bear in mind with the lesser speckled lad is that, as a species, they’re afflicted with such a crushing sense of inferiority that is, sadly, compounded by an inherent sense of entitlement that leads many of the younger specimens to feel a deep biological need to mark their territory, often with excrement – as with this case – or with a noxious scent that can be sprayed from either their oral or rectal glands.”

Concerned that Waddington’s display of machismo was in no way an isolated incident, Dr. Binh Nam continued. 

“We’ve seen a growing number of migrating lesser speckled lads in Hanoi over the last five years, whereas previously their migration was seasonal, often arriving in packs for a few weeks or months at a time as they set out to ‘do’ southeast Asia on a gap year, we’re currently investigating the root causes of these increasing numbers and what can be done to curtail their more twattish traits.”

Waddington is reportedly still at large. 

A current housemate of the Đội Cấn residence who wishes to remain anonymous spoke to The Durian.

“The sink was dry after he left, don’t ask what I was doing in there that soon after he’d taken a dump, but all I’m saying is that he’s out there, somewhere, with unwashed hands coated in particles of human shit, think about that the next time you hi-five a dude wearing a baseball cap in winter.”

At press time it is unclear whether or not Waddington flushed.

The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.

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