Confederation of Local Dealers considering legal action against Quest

Tây Hồ, Hanoi - Punters, vendors and even the organisers of the recently cancelled Quest festival have been getting a lot of sympathy, but one group of people that lost more than most have been forgotten, according to one local man.

“Won’t someone think of the shotters?” local drug dealer PiffLord420 asked The Durian’s reporters, speaking under condition of anonymity.

The seeming last-minute cancellation of Hanoi’s music, arts and culture festival on November 23 infuriated ticket-holders and food, drink and arts vendors who lost money on their supplies, but PiffLord420 explained how drug dealers had lost the most, and no one seems to care.

“It’s a fucking joke bruv, I stocked up big time on ostrich egg yolks, dried banana skins, unicorn tranquilisers and even got hold of a few hallucinogenic marsupials for those wanting an all-natural high, and for what?” he lamented.

PiffLord420 explained he was out almost $5,000 and with no similar large-scale drug orgy masquerading as a hippy love-fest coming up (bar an upcoming traditional gong festival in the Central Highlands which he said is “always a fucking stomper, mate”) he would be unable to recoup his investment.

“I massively inflate my prices at Quest, and sure I could stalk the Old Quarter every night and rip off tourists, but that sounds like a lot of work, and I didn’t become Hanoi’s top shotter so I could work hard, you get me fam?”

Like many who experience the slightest bit of adversity in the 21^st century, PiffLord420 said he plans to start a GoFundMe campaign to help assuage his financial woes.

Update: After being online for approximately two hours, PiffLord420’s GoFundMe campaign “Shoot man some P’s fam, bless up” had raised $15,000.

One donor with the username ‘LoveGearHateFeds’ pledged $100 and wrote: “We’re all just travelling on the same cosmic highway man, and we have to help out grand celestial shamans like PiffLord420 when they need it.”

The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.