Man cements place in Hell, buys car in Hanoi

Ba Đình, Hanoi – Unaware that his actions would undeniably damn him to an eternity of torturous suffering in the darkest bowels of Hell, local man Nguyen Dang today purchased a large car for use in Hanoi.

Sources close to Nguyen confirmed that he remained blissfully ignorant of the interminable suffering he had brought on himself at the hands of horned demons by investing a considerable sum of money into a large Dodge four-wheel-drive.

“I knew it would be a disaster,” claimed Nguyen’s wife, Tran Que Anh, “People descend into blind, ugly violence when two bikes come at each other down our alleyway, this three tonne behemoth is going to get us all killed.”

“And for everyone out there who thinks he’s compensating for something,” she added, making a shrimp motion with her pinkie finger, “he is.”

Our correspondent in Hell spent the morning conferring with representatives of Satan and established that a staggering 98% of Hanoians that have been consigned to hell were in fact damned as a direct result of purchasing cars far too large for the ancient city.

“We’re working double-shifts, overtime and drafting in wayward angels just to deal with all these yuppie Hanoians who think a centuries-old city with narrow winding alleys is the perfect playground for a four-wheel-drive armoured personnel carrier,” one demon who wished to remain anonymous disclosed to The Durian.

Reports indicate that Hell’s minions are struggling to keep up with the demand for cars in Hanoi and that the need for skilled demons, qualified in the necessary arts of skin-peeling retribution, hadn’t been this dire since the Nixon administration folded.

“We’ve had to increase our recruitment drive over the last decade – have you got any idea how hard it is to find specialists who understand the subtle nuances of hollowing out a human body so it can be used it as a demonic prophylactic?” lamented the demon as he absent-mindedly twisted the limbs off a screaming Hanoian who, in his mortal life, had driven a Hyundai.

“It’s next to impossible to find enough skilled workers who can even train wasps to fly down a human throat, let alone get them to perforate the stomach lining,” sighed the demon as he withdrew his barbed penis from the eye socket of a Vietnamese BMW driver, only to insert it into the ear of a woman who once parked her Kia across both lanes on Nguyễn Đình Thi.

“Still, no rest for the wicked,” he laughed, making remarks scarcely audible over the agonised wailing of lost souls receiving celestial punishment for their choice of automobiles.

Adding that the vast majority of Hanoi’s motorists would most likely get a whiff of the sulphurous misery emanating from the fiery pits of damnation, The Durian’s underworld correspondent learned of the special measures Satan’s office had recently put in place for Hanoi’s car owners.

These included, but were not limited to, being boiled alive in a hot pot filled with raw, untreated sewage, being forced to eat the entirety of their own car before shitting it back out, only to consume it again and – in the cases where the car purchased was white – being used a Beelzebub’s personal flayed dildo.

All of this, however, was yet to be revealed to Nguyen, who had managed to wedge his new Dodge 4WD sideways on Van Bao, forcing him to exit the vehicle to remove a small child that had somehow become caught in the bonnet.

When reached for comment, Nguyen simply offered that he “deserved this,” although sources later confirmed that he was in fact referencing his new, shiny Dodge and not the interminable nest of flesh-eating ants that would devour him inside out for all of eternity in Hell.

At press time, Satan had reportedly obtained planning permission for an extension to Hell with a new circle of unwavering despair and brutality expected to be added to the underworld late 2019.

The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.