Former backpacker to be released back into the wild - The Durian - Hanoi's Smelliest News

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Former backpacker to be released back into the wild




Đống Đa, Hanoi – After a brief stint as a foot soldier in the war against the mispronunciation of three-letter words, a former backpacker is to be released back into the wild in Hanoi.

Stating that the former crusty had now nurtured his travel funds back to heath, dubious educator and downright charlatan, Người Nói Dối, announced his English centre would be ending its relationship with happy-go-lucky Brian Butter.

Người, owner, founder, and lead edutainer of Talk English at Me, reportedly arrived at the decision following a close examination of Butter’s teaching skills.

“Obviously, for any language centre, the staff are a key consideration when sucking hard-earned cash out of parents who believe English is best taught by pale people,” claimed Người, “So we had to think really hard before deciding to release Brian back into his natural habitat.”

Bringing Butter’s two-month reign as ‘Teacher of the Week’ to an end, Người asserted the decision was not financially motivated.

“I may live by a strict code that sees me exploit anyone and everyone necessary to maintain my lifestyle, but today’s announcement stems not from a place of financial grievance, we simply believe Brian will be happier foraging for food in the gutters of the Old Quarter,” continued Người.

“Just look at him,” she added, “I defy anyone to stare into those blue eyes and see anything but a powerful lust for the fiscal irresponsibility of freedom.”

Butter, 23, has been “doing” Southeast Asia for the past 18 months, until his parents in Leeds, UK, decided that he’d had enough time and money to find himself and that any further soul-searching excursions into Asian brothels would need to be financed by his own efforts.

“Admittedly, this may cause some distress to Brian’s students – they loved his quirky rendition of ‘Simon Says’ that resulted in a human pyramid creating negligible casualties,” Người noted, speaking to our reporter from atop a throne of ill-gotten đồng, “But our talent scouts are sat outside Nội Bài Airport with a tranquiliser gun as we speak – they have nets large enough to bring even the most egotistical white saviour into the menial drudgery of Talk English at Me’s cash-cow empire.”

Speaking with The Durian’s ESL reporter, Butter claimed the decision had an element of mutuality not touched upon by local media, who had simply reported that yet another language centre had evaded taxation obligations, abused visa policies, and sold out a generation of Vietnamese kids for some quick đồng.

“I heard loads of folks were getting minted teaching English out here,” confessed Butter, “So I was a bit apprehensive about rounding off this unique journey of self-discovery by treading down the same old beaten path all those phoneys had been down.”

“Still though,” he added, “Handjobs don’t pay for themselves – not with this face.”

Sombrely noting that screaming “The cat sat on the mat” at four-year-olds for two hours an evening had “been real”, Butter hinted that he regretted having spent so much on balloons filled with nitrous oxide, but that it was for the best that he traded his role of teacher for student at the “school of life.”

“As a global citizen, it’s my duty to continue my voyage and infest hostels across Southeast Asia with my own unique brand of zaniness,” said Butters, swallowing the shame of having been fired from a job that is born out of dimly racist prejudices relating to the virtues of Caucasians.

At press time, Butter was reportedly overjoyed at being released into the insect-riddled wilderness that is Hanoi’s hostel market, claiming that this new lease of freedom was most welcome, freeing him up for more sacred duties such as updating his travel blog, tricking other humans into providing him sexual gratification and contracting a life-changing STD.

More as it follows.


The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.

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