Report: Parking attendants to move your bike

Hoàn Kiếm, Hanoi – Vietnam’s parking attendants have today announced plans to move your bike.

“Honestly, it doesn’t matter where it’s parked, how well you’ve slotted it into a space, or whether you smile at us or not,” stated Nguyen Di Chuyển, president of the National Institute for Private Parking Leadership and Enterprise (NIPPLE).

“We will move your motorbike.”

Nguyen’s words were met with fierce cheers from a delegation of parking attendants, many of whom had travelled from across the nation to attend the Annual NIPPLE Exhibition in Hanoi.

“Let me be clear,” continued Nguyen when the crowd had simmered down, “To those of you who think locking your steering column will prevent us performing our most sacred duties, you are gravely mistaken!”

A raucous applause filled the conference room as the nation’s parking attendants made whooping denunciations of anyone foolish enough to think they could simply leave their bike in one place and return five minutes later to find it in the same position.

“To those hopeless yuppies careening about in their fancy four-wheeled behemoths, I have just one message for you” said Nguyen, nourishing the rabid crowd with his words, “You can’t park here!”

At this, the national delegation of parking attendants and NIPPLE devotees rose to their feet, Thuốc lào in hand, and gave Nguyen an emphatic applause that lasted for 17 uninterrupted minutes.

Following this, Nguyen led the delegation in a rousing chant of “Two wheels good, four wheels bad,” which led to hotel staff evicting those attending the NIPPLE conference following complaints from car-owning guests with too much money and too many wheels.

With the conference screeching to an abrupt halt like a beer-bloated Westerner at a red light, Nguyen and the NIPPLE devotees set off in search of rice wine, boiled chicken and bikes to fuck around with.

Our reporter noted his bike had indeed been moved somehow during the convention and at press time he was reportedly making the long voyage back to The Durian’s secret underground headquarters on foot.

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