Local man’s ceasefire with giant spider broken following shoe attack - The Durian - Hanoi's Smelliest News


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Local man’s ceasefire with giant spider broken following shoe attack

Long Biên, Hanoi – Local man Pham Minh Duc sought refuge in a neighbour’s apartment last night after a carefully crafted ceasefire collapsed into full-blown shoe-toting conflict. 

The tentative agreement, formally signed last January, had held, in a step towards peace for both Pham and a seriously massive spider. Sources confirmed that the absolute unit of a spider, affectionately and legally known as Wilbert, ran over Pham’s foot in his living room.

“My family and I have pushed for peace on more than one occasion,” Pham says. “Assurances from Wilbert that he had dismantled his nesting facilities were honoured and although there were occasional border encroachments while I was brushing my teeth, we have lived free from the spectre of war.

“Last night’s events came as a shock to us all,” he says.

The conflict began in late 2018 when a sectarian war broke out between Wilbert and a colony of cockroaches living in the frame of the bathroom door.

“Initially we backed Wilbert, confident that he was more moderate than the cockroach faction,” says Pham, “Although, with the roaches defeated, Wilbert’s operations rapidly expanded into the bedroom.”

A deal was brokered, overseen by Arachnids’ Sanctions for Security (ASS), with unofficial involvement from ASEAN states. Stipulating that both parties seek to avoid all instances of contact with one another and that Wilbert’s aggressive annexation of land outside the bathroom be reversed, the agreement was reluctantly signed by both parties and ratified by ASS and ASEAN representatives.

“I blame NATO,” says Pham, “If they had helped to set up defences such as a draft blocker under the bathroom door, then I think violence could have been avoided.

“Now my family are refugees,” he says with a heavy sigh.

The Durian has learned that after the spider ran over Pham’s foot, he picked up a nearby shoe and launched it in an aggressive retaliatory attack. According to UN observers, Wilbert subsequently ran under the sofa, prompting the Pham household to raise its threat level from amber to purple.

After spending two hours searching for the eight-legged intruder, that supposedly ran faster than Usain Bolt being chased by a bear, skirmishes lasted well into the early hours of the morning.

“I saw it again behind my bottle of 12-year-old Chivas,” recounted Pham, “As soon as the shoe left my hand, the spider [Wilbert] darted under the table and I was left looking at my own reflection in a puddle of whisky on the floor.

The incident has left the Pham family startled. This morning Pham’s children were seen being evacuated from the apartment, fleeing with small bags of toys, instant noodles, and a dream of peace to come.

Speaking exclusively with The Durian’s top war correspondent, Wilbert gave little cause for optimism among the international community.

“To arachnids, this is holy land, but to marauding imperialists like the Pham family and their kind, our sacred sanctuary is but mere middling-to-good rental property” stated Wilbert, all eight eyes fixed on the camera lens as he addressed local press. 

“We will not be confined to the toilet, laden with its heavy faecal effluvium, nor will we suffer the indignity of Saturday night karaoke – I call upon all arachnid kind to take up arms and liberate yourselves from the tyranny of humanity, we will scare them in the showers, we will scare them from the ceiling, and we will make the ultimate sacrifice to lay eggs in their stomachs.”

With a splinter faction of the Hanoi Moth Front pledging their allegiance to Wilbert, Pham is currently living in exile with his family, at an undisclosed location.

With tensions rising, The Durian will risk it all to bring you live, up-to-the-minute coverage of this sensational conflict, after all – what are interns for if not for documenting human on insect savagery?

The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.


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