Hanoi unveils new “traffic-proof” ambulances

Đống Đa, Hanoi – Hanoi paramedics proudly unveiled their latest life-saving innovation today at a press conference outside Đừng Chết Hospital, where medical staff applauded the introduction of the new “traffic-proof” ambulance.

Weighing in at 4.5 tonnes and standing well over 22 feet tall, the new vehicle – dubbed the Whambulance – has been operating in the nation’s capital on a trial basis for the past week, with paramedics saying they finally have a way to save lives in rush hour.

“Honestly, I nearly quit the profession,” confessed a teary-eyed Binh Sống Sót, “I’ve been a paramedic for the last eight years, I’ve always wanted to save lives, but the ignorance displayed by Hanoi’s motorists almost killed my dream, in the same way it kills many people with minor injuries.”

Beaming up at the vehicular menace of the Whambulance, Binh added, “But now – now we have hope.”

With an average of 22 road deaths every day, Vietnam’s paramedic services have struggled to meet the rising demand for medical attention, in part due to the sublime selfishness of the city’s motorists.

Head of Đừng Chết’s emergency room, Dr. Nhanh Tay has heralded the Whambulance as a forward-thinking solution to the problem of congestion.

“In an ideal world, ambulances would be given right of way, operate in separate lanes, or perhaps fly to those in need of assistance, but given that such a fantasy is absurd beyond belief, I see the Whambulance’s capacity for crushing and maiming all in its path as the innovation we needed.

“Of course, there will be those who will, in turn, be in need of medical attention once struck by one of the half-tonne tires, but this is part of our holistic educational approach – next time, they’ll know to move the fuck out of the way and let our medics do their jobs. It’s the circle of life. Or, rather, death.”

Despite Dr. Nhanh’s optimism, various members of the public have taken to social media to vent their frustration at the introduction of the Whambulance to Hanoi’s roads.

“This is total fucking bullshit,” wrote one Facebook user, “If this thing so much as scratches my car, I will throw each and every one of my toys out of the pram and sue the shit out of those do-gooders – my BMW is worth more the lives of 10,000 street cleaners.”

Not all of the remarks were negative however, with other users voicing scepticism mingled with hope.

“Well, this isn’t the solution we need, but given how some people drive, I guess it’s the solution we deserve.”

With the prototype Whambulance expected to more than double its time on the road in the coming month, engineers are exploring the practical and legal ramifications of adding a flamethrower or “some sort of giant fucking claw, like a metal crab of death.”

Stay tuned for more updates as the Whambulance’s rampage continues.