Tây Hồ, Hanoi – Following years of entirely justified rage
and unrest online, a coalition of group admins has requested the assistance of
UN peacekeepers to subdue the populace of Vietnam’s Facebook groups.
While the verbal sparring, rampant trolling, and general
fuckwittery appears to be localised predominantly within expat-dominated
Facebook groups, UN Secretary-General António Guterres has reportedly pledged
to dispatch a comprehensive international peacekeeping force by the end of the
month.
A spokesperson for the Secretary-General said that after
international observers were granted access to groups such as Hanoi Large,
Vietnam is Amazing and Another Part of Vietnam, the blind, ugly scenes they
witnessed drove some of them into teeth gnashing, hair pulling, frothing
lunacy.
“These men and women had seen some of the worst of humanity,
they’d witnessed genocide in Yugoslavia, sectarian bombings in Northern
Ireland, hell some were there for the aftermath of Jonestown! But the sheer
levels of vicious idiocy and depravity in these groups sent them over the edge,”
the spokesperson lamented during a briefing to reporters earlier this morning.
“Standing idly by while circular arguments on the merits of different
anal bleaching techniques continue to suck the next generation of telemarketers
into a vortex of balderdash and poppycock simply wasn’t an option. That’s not
what the UN stands for.”
Citing Chapter VII of the UN Charter, the Secretary-General’s
office stated that peacekeepers would be authorised to use retaliatory force if
necessary, although today’s briefing failed to clarify if said force would
include the use of memes and GIFs, or simply poorly-spelled racist epithets.
Conflict online is nothing new for the expats of Vietnam,
with numerous prominent/pompous figures of this relatively small community
seeking to create the online equivalent of a gas explosion at a waste treatment
facility.
Despite the resolution passing the UN Security Council
unanimously, international relations experts and academics alike have been
divided by the Secretary-General’s decision to intervene.
“Yes, the verbal violence has been atrocious and the
grammar, just shocking, but really, I feel the UN has overreached itself – the
[Facebook] groups are too volatile, this will be another Sarajevo, make no
mistake about it,” claimed Dr. Constantinou-Stygal.
More hawkish members of the international community
expressed their chagrin, claiming the resolution didn’t go far enough, with
revered theorist Noam Chomsky the most vocal among them.
Taking to Twitter to vent his frustrations to his 117,000
followers, the legendary academic scolded the UN for what he decried as
“weak-ass pussy shit.”
Our reporter on the ground was able to assess the response
within the expat community here in Hanoi.
“I never use those groups,” claimed one ESL teacher who
wished to remain anonymous, “I’ve been here for years and shit gets toxic on
Facebook – I only ever really check in for a bit of drama here and there, like
that girl with the dog shit on her shoe? Fucking priceless.”
Other expats heralded the Secretary-General’s decision as a
chance for change.
“Just once, I’d like to be able to ask an innocent, sincere
question without being told to go back to my own country if I don’t like it
here,” said John Johnson, “Like, I do like it here – I just want to know where
I can find a reliable mechanic, fuck me.”
At press time some bollocks was invariably kicking off about
a perceived furore that will presumably be of deep importance to some people
before fading from collective memory in a day or two, the way that a warm fart
diffuses into the air.
The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.
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