Begpacker still thinks he’s cooler than friends back home - The Durian - Hanoi's Smelliest News


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Begpacker still thinks he’s cooler than friends back home

Hoàn Kiếm, Hanoi – Following days without a single donation to his self-proclaimed “Shoestring Super-Soul Tour of Love” a visibly malnourished Todd Bryson remained fully confident in his ability to traverse the world living off the kindness of strangers like a 29-year-old dreadlocked leech.

Voyaging from his native England penniless on the premise that human kindness, cosmic energy and good vibes would keep his dream of travelling the world alive, Bryson has been stranded alone in Hanoi for almost two weeks. In spite of his distinct lack of abode, access to a shower or even an unsullied pair of underwear, Bryson remains adamant that he is still, by far and away, the coolest of his friends back home.

“Man, I feel bad for them,” he laughed, “Stuck in that nine till five grind, suited and booted like monkeys in ties, slaves to the money – they don’t know what they’re missing!” claimed the man who recently spent four hours trying to find an uninhabited alleyway to shit in.

“Honestly, like, it’s just so freeing to be out of the system man,” Bryson continued as lice crawled over his eyeball, “Money’s just a manmade construct and life is this great adventure that they’re just missing out on, out here I’m totally free, free to stew in my own urine for as long as I want.”

Documenting this great adventure via Instagram, Bryson confesses that he is keen to omit the parts of his spiritual quest where he traded sex acts for food, but remains positive that if people just open their hearts, wallets and sometimes trousers to his way of life, they’d see that’s it’s pretty rad.

“Like, I love those guys back home – all of them, but like Doug’s getting fucking married, what a pawn to the Judaeo-Christian dogma of Western society, y’know?” he asked, despite not having felt the warmth of human contact that wasn’t a police officer for the duration of his travels.

“And sure, Ben’s got that great job at Google or whatever, but like, he’s just become this cog in the machine now – he’s a total sell-out, slobbering on the big corporate dong like a dog,” shouted Bryson, seemingly unaware that not only were most Vietnamese dogs currently living better than him, but his friend Ben will never taste a real dong for the sake of survival.

Stating that he felt sometimes that he’d just lost touch with everyone when they had “sold their souls to the imperialist machine of corporatocracy” Bryson noted that even among other backpackers, he felt he was the only authentic traveller, because he had no money, so the world was his hostel.

“Nah, fucking phoneys, the lot of them – just like them all back home, God I bet they wish they’d had the balls to live free like me, now look at them with their mortgages, wives, career prospects, futures and contentment, but they’re just cowards!” exclaimed Bryson, before the smell of a freshly cooked bánh mì turned him into a rabid animal and he ended the interview bounding off on all fours in search of rats.

Speaking with The Durian over Skype, Ben Costello, former university roommate of Bryson and successful IT engineer stated “We very much hope that he is ok and will come home to get the help he so clearly needs.”

At press time, Bryson’s body was reportedly handed over to the British Embassy for repatriation after he was deservedly kicked to death over the use of Comic Sans on his sign. He is survived by four fleas.

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