Hoàn Kiếm, Hanoi – Following days without a single donation
to his self-proclaimed “Shoestring Super-Soul Tour of Love” a visibly
malnourished Todd Bryson remained fully confident in his ability to traverse
the world living off the kindness of strangers like a 29-year-old dreadlocked leech.
Voyaging from his native England penniless on the premise
that human kindness, cosmic energy and good vibes would keep his dream of
travelling the world alive, Bryson has been stranded alone in Hanoi for almost
two weeks. In spite of his distinct lack of abode, access to a shower or even
an unsullied pair of underwear, Bryson remains adamant that he is still, by far
and away, the coolest of his friends back home.
“Man, I feel bad for them,” he laughed, “Stuck in that nine
till five grind, suited and booted like monkeys in ties, slaves to the money –
they don’t know what they’re missing!” claimed the man who recently spent four
hours trying to find an uninhabited alleyway to shit in.
“Honestly, like, it’s just so freeing to be out of the
system man,” Bryson continued as lice crawled over his eyeball, “Money’s just a
manmade construct and life is this great adventure that they’re just missing
out on, out here I’m totally free, free to stew in my own urine for as long as
I want.”
Documenting this great adventure via Instagram, Bryson confesses
that he is keen to omit the parts of his spiritual quest where he traded sex
acts for food, but remains positive that if people just open their hearts,
wallets and sometimes trousers to his way of life, they’d see that’s it’s
pretty rad.
“Like, I love those guys back home – all of them, but like
Doug’s getting fucking married, what a pawn to the Judaeo-Christian dogma of
Western society, y’know?” he asked, despite not having felt the warmth of human
contact that wasn’t a police officer for the duration of his travels.
“And sure, Ben’s got that great job at Google or whatever,
but like, he’s just become this cog in the machine now – he’s a total sell-out,
slobbering on the big corporate dong like a dog,” shouted Bryson, seemingly
unaware that not only were most Vietnamese dogs currently living better than
him, but his friend Ben will never taste a real dong for the sake of survival.
Stating that he felt sometimes that he’d just lost touch
with everyone when they had “sold their souls to the imperialist machine of
corporatocracy” Bryson noted that even among other backpackers, he felt he was
the only authentic traveller, because he had no money, so the world was his
hostel.
“Nah, fucking phoneys, the lot of them – just like them all
back home, God I bet they wish they’d had the balls to live free like me, now
look at them with their mortgages, wives, career prospects, futures and
contentment, but they’re just cowards!” exclaimed Bryson, before the smell of a
freshly cooked bánh mì turned him into a rabid animal and he ended the
interview bounding off on all fours in search of rats.
Speaking with The
Durian over Skype, Ben Costello, former university roommate of Bryson and
successful IT engineer stated “We very much hope that he is ok and will come
home to get the help he so clearly needs.”
At press time, Bryson’s body was reportedly handed over to
the British Embassy for repatriation after he was deservedly kicked to death
over the use of Comic Sans on his sign. He is survived by four fleas.
No comments:
Post a Comment