Long Biên, Hanoi – It has emerged today that the adorable
little gecko critter who’s been shaking his cutie-booty all over local man,
Barry Kedger’s bedroom wall and ceiling is in fact a debased pervert of the
most depraved order.
The gecko, identified as that kind of green-brown-yellow
kind with the big all-seeing eyes, was rumbled following a series of posts onto
Kedger’s social media accounts.
Speaking with The Durian, bearded purveyor of Tinderellas and occasional teacher of cover classes, Kedger revealed it all began innocently enough.
“Well, I first started noticing it [the nymphomaniac gecko]
in the mornings, just as I was getting ready to go out of the shower and it’s
like I could feel it’s unblinking eyes on my naked skin, y’know?”
Noting that geckos are considered something of a tropical
novelty in his native Luton, UK, Kedger confessed to being drawn to the gecko
initially.
“He just had this cute little shuffle to him and I kinda
liked having him around – my last pet got reclaimed by debt collectors, so I
was really lured in.”
Posting on Facebook last week, Kedger wrote “Looks like I’ve
got a new roommate!! Hope he pays rent on time lololol #VietmaneeseLyfe
#WonderLust #GotMeAGecko.”
Things began to take a sinister turn when Kedger noticed the
gecko, affectionately known as Godzilla, following him into the bathroom during
his irregular bathing rituals. Kedger’s suspicions peaked when he was enjoying
a moment of deep, self-reflection, which Kedger assured our reporter was best
enjoyed naked with the company of RedTube on a Google Incognito browser.
Unable to shake the feeling he was being spied on by more
than just the regular big data harvesting internet giants, Kedger took to
Facebook once more to express concern about his new roommate’s voyeuristic
proclivities.
“Actually afraid to get naked in my own room now,” he wrote “Godzilla’s
been getting himself into some weird spots during some of my more intimate
moments – if I didn’t know better I’d think he’s giving me the eye!
#GetYourCoatLove #WhoCanBlameHim #DadBod.”
But behind the kooky hashtags that surely signal Kedger as a
man of quirky taste and unique refinement, the bearded part-time teacher
confided in our reporter that he was bordering on paranoid at the time of
posting.
Events all came to a head this past weekend, when after
dabbling in some cheap Bolivian marching powder at one of Hanoi’s top nightlife
emporiums, BirdTrap, Kedger found himself enjoying the carnal pleasures
afforded to us mere earth-dwellers with none other than a woman whose name he
has allegedly forgotten.
“Ahh mate, it was banging – like literally,” he laughed, “Stacey
or Claire or whatever, well, I was going at it behind, but then from over the
top of her shoulder, what do I see?” asked Kedger seemingly not rhetorically.
He proceeded to confirm that it was indeed the gecko
formerly known as Godzilla, who had reportedly worked his way down the wall to
the headboard of the bed and proceeded to lock eyes with Kedger.
“Honestly, I struggled after that – you can all tell me it
was just the monkey-dust, but there was something lusty in those blank, black
eyes that just got in my head, I had to tell Rachel to leave, it was well embarrassing,”
mourned a baleful Kedger as he stared into his glass of bia hoi.
It was following the interruption of Kedger’s attempt to
make the beast with two backs that he was approached healing crystal
enthusiast, Lindsay “Astral” Peckerman offering her services as Hanoi’s top and
only gecko-whisperer.
While details remain sketchy on the events that transpired
while the Peckerman and the gecko were alone in Kedger’s room, there was no
sign of either of them when Kedger finally found the courage to enter his
bedroom.
At press time Peckerman and Godzilla were allegedly sighted
en route to Vegas for a shotgun marriage, as revealed by Peckerman’s Instagram
post which claimed Godzilla was in fact a vessel for the soul of Ted Bundy and
that they were in love.
Please, no more on this story, we don’t want it to develop.
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