Hoàn Kiếm, Hanoi – A group of Western tourists have today
witnessed what they described as a “miracle” when a modern-day Moses strolled
casually into traffic, appearing to part the sea of motorbikes that sped around
him from all directions.
Onlooker and professional seeker of faces in toast, Bob
Grotto, reported the incident to Hanoi’s Ministry of Miraculous Obscurity,
after he and his family watched at first in horror and then in disbelief as a
man strode straight into a vehicular onslaught typical of the Old Quarter.
Grotto, 47, stated “He had this weird light shining around
him, like you knew that – contrary to all the evidence around him – he wouldn’t
get as much as a scratch on him.”
“Just when you think the good Lord has provided us
bountifully in the saving grace of President Trump and his benevolent
imprisonment of children, then this goes and happens!” added Grotto before
detailing that this was indeed his first time out of his native Virginia, USA.
The report filed with the Ministry of Miraculous Obscurity
noted that the purported miracle-maker was a white male, aged anywhere between
25 and 45-years-old and “alarmingly hirsute for this time of year.”
It is believed that the combination of the man’s facial hair
and aptitude for crossing roads in Hanoi led to Grotto and his family to cross
the Long Biên Bridge in search of snakes to handle. While Grotto’s wife,
Sandra, was later hospitalised after being repeatedly bitten, the Ministry of
Miraculous Obscurity is said to be investigating.
The man who sparked all of today’s liturgical lunacy was
later identified by The Durian’s
chief social butterfly as Dave “That Bloke with the Beard” Parker.
Further correspondence with the Ministry confirmed that the
report detailed an allusion to a “burning bush” that was later established to
be marijuana.
Parker, a 28-year-old British ESL teacher, had been on his
way to blaze with his regular dealer at the time of his alleged miraculous
performance.
When reached for comment, Parker denied all knowledge of his
prophetic deeds or of marijuana’s legal status in Vietnam.
“What the fuck are you on about? I’ve got a class to get to
and I’m baked as fuck,” said the man off to make $25 for an hour of educating
children on the virtues of ice cream.
Today’s misdiagnosis of an everyday occurrence for a modern
miracle comes fresh off the back of last month’s biblical blunder following an
American expat convinced he could turn water into rice wine. He is reportedly
still undergoing treatment to recover his eyesight.
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