Report: Fear of squat-drop toilet outweighs urge to shit - The Durian - Hanoi's Smelliest News


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Report: Fear of squat-drop toilet outweighs urge to shit

Trúc Bạch, Hanoi – Citing his general lack of anal aim and poor choice of beige trousers, human flashcard holder and occasional speaker of English, Garfield Wanstead has today confessed that his overriding fear of his local Bia Hoi’s squat-drop toilets heavily outweigh his current urge to shit.

The white-skinned casual user of English grammar has made Hanoi home for the past year and a half, but despite spending 18 months earning an utterly preposterous salary for his admittedly limited ability at uttering his native language, Wanstead remains adamant that squat-drop toilets are too savage for him, even now, when his sphincter is dilating with anticipation.

Burbling out excuses in a broken slur of what most automated hotlines wouldn’t recognise as English, Wanstead attempted to state that “I just know I’m going to fall right back into a heap of my own steaming turd if I try it, I’ll just wait till I get home.”

“It’s not like I’m gonna shit myself,” laughed a visibly nervous Wanstead who remained standing for the duration of this interview, “It’s not even the toilet, it’s the lack of soap, y’know?” whinged the man whose anus was twitchier than the Eye of Sauron.

Despite the immense faecal pressure availing itself on his lower intestines, sources close to Wanstead confirmed that his purple complexion was simply “his means of dealing with the environment he’d chosen to inhabit” and probably had nothing to do with the turtle’s head that was currently touching cloth around his nether regions.

Bia Hoi 4 U Fam offers no door, no toilet paper and a leaky bum gun in its squat-drop stalls, but does this make Wanstead a lil white bitch in Asia? According to experts, yes.

Dr Funagi Yoobend of the regional think-tank on sewage management in Southeast Asia, Pacific Rims, claims that Wanstead’s apparent fear of the squat-drop stems from the nightmare brewing in his innards.

“What Garfield [Wanstead] is most likely experiencing after such a meek level of alcohol consumption is known medically as the ‘beeriod’” he explained via telephone, “Currently I imagine his rump will be quivering with a fiery urge to expel the excess waste built up inside him, this, the body will seek to rid itself of by releasing a hot jet of ass-piss directly into a hole in the ground.

“The implications of not dropping an anal Hiroshima or Nagasaki in this Bia Hoi squat-drop are far worse for Garfield biologically, but the trepidation he’s experiencing is completely normal, although ordinarily it’s only subjects new to Vietnam that exhibit such lil bitchness – a specimen as attuned to the local toiletry culture as Garfield ought to know better than to wear beige trousers.”

Feigning not to hear any of Dr Yoobend’s remarks over the speakerphone our reporter was using to conduct the interview, Wanstead rescinded the notion that he was in any way uncomfortable with the use of squat-drop toilets, but insisted that he didn’t need to go go right now. He proceeded to drink several more beers, with the sheepish smile of a wild animal living in captivity.

At press time Wanstead was seen wading waist-deep into Trúc Bạch Lake as Bia Hoi 4 U Fam shouted for last calls. The Durian is gearing up to cover another mass extinction of Hanoi’s fish in the early hours of tomorrow morning following Wanstead’s rectal chemical warfare.

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