VNPostal announce innovative new service that actually delivers mail - The Durian - Hanoi's Smelliest News


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VNPostal announce innovative new service that actually delivers mail

Hai Bà Trưng, Hanoi – Speaking to the assembled press who’d gathered before VNPostal's Hanoi headquarters, CEO and founder Nguyen Thư Trộm today announced the delivery company’s bold new strategy that involves actually delivering mail.

“While many stakeholders were confused, alarmed and even angry at my proposed new direction for VNPostal, even the most cursory of glances at our competitors will highlight the value of ensuring mail reaches its intended destination,” Nguyen said in a conference this morning.

“Of course, for years now VNPostal has enjoyed unprecedented success with our incredibly popular mail-snatching services,” he continued, “But in today’s ever evolving market, there is a clear need for us to adapt, to listen to the accusations of flagrant theft and to, at very least, attempt to branch out into the world of postal delivery services.”

The company recently celebrated its 14th birthday last month and marked the occasion by feeding former CEO Nguyen Gói Gáo to a pack of wild geese in his native Bắc Kạn Province.

This ceremonial sacrificial ousting saw share prices plummet as the company desperately attempted to rebrand itself as a deliverer of mail, parcels, post and packages – a direction that many critics felt was too radical a change.

Defying the nay-sayers, VNPostal’s appointment of Nguyen Thư Trộm to the company's helm has heralded a comeback to rival that of Jesus H. Christ. New Nguyen’s decision to partner with controversial ride-hailing app Snatch left many baffled as to whether the postal service would survive the brutal summer, but now, with the unveiling of a revolutionary new service that guarantees customers’ mail arriving at specified locations within allotted timeframes, there appears to be no limit to the company’s potential.

Resident white man with vague credentials pointing to a background in finance or some such shit, Ronald Livingston, noted that this is a real turnaround for a company that “last year was about as useful and popular as a Mắm tôm flavoured condom.”

Speaking with The Durian via carrier rat, Livingston explained that the added value for customers and stakeholders alike should see an uptick in people choosing to trust another human being with the transportation of sentimentally valuable objects.

“The decision to actually transport customers’ goods and do so without pilfering, pocketing, pinching or plundering is one that I think a lot of customers will appreciate,” read his message that appeared to be hastily scrawled on a napkin and delivered via the anus of a live rat.

“For too long shareholders and investors have been wary of VNPostal’s policy of abandoning parcels deemed financially worthless in the gutters – this new approach to doorbells, phone numbers and a basic sense of customer-relations is an absolute game-changer not just for VNPostal, but for the whole industry here in Vietnam,” it continued.

At press time The Durian editorial team was praying that VNPostal’s new policy doesn’t result in subpoenas and other legal challenges successfully reaching our underground lair/newsroom.  

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