Ba Đình, Hanoi – Rarely does The Durian take pause from its unrelenting assault on privileged
foreigners hell-bent on undermining the Vietnamese education system, but today
our reporter uncovered such a rare, heart-rending effort that our editorial
team agreed a temporary ceasefire.
In what may be the human interest story of the year, Hanoi
houses many heroes, but few come close to the touching determination of Trả Tiền
Ngay. Born to humble, high-ranking police officer with just two cars for his
family of six, Trả has known his whole life he would proudly follow in his father’s
footsteps, stopping any driver who looks like they might eat in hotels.
Now at the tender age of 22, Trả has already proven himself
the worthiest sperm by changing the traffic cop game forever.
“Well at first I felt somewhat degraded,” explains Trả in a
flawless British accent he reportedly gained by watching nothing but Love Actually for a whole summer.
“I suppose the beige uniform somehow felt like a failure in
the eyes of father dearest,” he confesses, “But then I discovered the English
word ‘bribe’ and everything changed.
“This filled me with a newfound confidence, suddenly those
magnolia garbs I’d found so loathsome were a source of power – I felt no fear
at all when faced with a Land Rover obeying traffic laws,” he added.
Trả’s sudden new interest in what most considered a menial
line of work won him the favour of his superiors. Before long, Trả was informed
he would be promoted and so the hands of fate plucked him from the dilapidated concrete
wreckage of Cầu Giấy district and delivered him to the destruction-derby that
is Hanoi’s palpitating Old Quarter.
“The change in atmosphere in turn changed me,” reflects Trả,
“I had to evolve to meet the needs of the situation.”
That situation in particular being the thronging masses of
drunken backpacker careening about the place with neither a helmet nor health
insurance. This in turn presented Trả with a new challenge – the limitations of
his newfound linguistic capabilities were laid bare and forced him to once more
hit the books.
“I think what depressed me most was the blank stares and the
polite smiles that greeted me when I pulled over a Caucasian for anything,
absolutely anything,” explains Trả, “So that’s when I knew it was time to study
Google Translate – I mean, really study it.”
Flash forwards to today and Trả is melting the hearts of
locals and visitors alike with his perfectly executed requests for bribery in
up to 12 languages.
“He was just so adorably shy with his Catalan accent, we
felt we couldn’t possibly leave without giving him a tip,” explained not-quite
Spanish backpacker, Pascual Cabrerra, “Honestly, it was worth cutting back on
our meals to reward this passionate, young traffic policía in his dedication.”
Mastering the art of extortion in a range of European and
Asiatic languages, as well as several Russian dialects, Trả is confident that
few visitors' wallets will be spared his charming demand of under-the-table
payments.
“Honestly, it’s been great,” beams a smiling Trả, “Father’s
so proud, I dare say he’ll be buying me a car for my birthday later this year.”
At press time our reporter was able to confirm that said car
would indeed be unnecessarily large, much like Trả’s sense of self-worth and
gross income.
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