Hoàn Kiếm, Hanoi – Flying in the face of Hanoi authority’s
no-drone zones, the team of savvy, local restaurateurs behind the cult classic Obama
Bún Chả have today paid homage to their eponymous former U.S. president and
honoured his legacy with the introduction of the predator drone delivery
service that’s bringing piping hot bún chả through your door.
“We’ve long had an issue with customers – foreigners in
particular – falling asleep when our delivery driver is waiting outside,”
exclaimed the visibly jubilant head chef, Đầu Bếp Chết, “But now I feel that
with the upgrade to AGM-114 Hellfire air-to-surface missiles on our delivery
drones, we can blast open the eyelids of any sleeping tây.”
“Our pilots will even deliver direct to your bed now, after splintering
the front of your house into a fiery cloud of ash and destruction!” he added.
Food critics and creepy tech-geeks applauded the bold new
strategy and are touting it as the next Snatch; the infamous Vietnamese
ride-hailing app, turned food delivery service who - in these very pages – were
exposed as running an illegal jousting ring.
Ask any high-level informant within the Trump administration
and they’ll tell you that drones are “in vogue now” and cited the 45th
president of the United States of America’s not-so-secret desire to trump Obama’s
stats.
Đầu and his team remain unfazed though, “Sure, Mr Obama
might have only launched 1,878 drone strikes during the entirety of his time in
office – that we know about,” chuckled with a knowing smile, “And fine, Mr
Trump has surpassed that in a space of under three years, with 2,243 known
authorised strikes, but we won’t be changing our name anytime soon.
“I don’t care how many civilians were brutally killed,
maimed or injured in debilitating fashion through his droning, Obama just had y’know
– a kinda panache about him, he lit up the room, even the ones he wasn’t
blowing up,” smiled Đầu.
While critics have branded this a slippery slope for
restaurants everywhere and a gross violation of human rights, customers have
been quick to open the service with open arms.
Serial grammar-abuser, long-term edutainer and oxygen-thief,
Callum McConchie, counters claims that Obama Bún Chả’s innovative new approach
to home-delivery is responsible for countless acts of vandalism across the city
and in violation of the Geneva Convention.
“Honestly, it was whack bro – I’m in bed, chillin’, porn on –
when my phone starts lighting up like ‘pop-pop muddafukka, food’s here’ and so
I’m all like pumped up, then the fucking wall explodes and I’m covered in dust
and my whole left leg evaporated in the heat of the blast, but check this,” he
says, showing The Durian’s reporter
his cauterised stump leg, “Totally healed up, plus it’s not like I was in any
fit state to walk downstairs and pay a delivery driver.”
This comes at a time where the Trump administration has
moved to revoke an executive order introduced by his predecessor, Barack Obama,
that required U.S. troops to confirm the number of civilians killed in drone
strikes, but veteran political historian Felicity Conk has backed Obama Bún Chả’s
move claiming in a statement.
“Few things stir up the memories of a finer presidency than
the lurid hellscape we currently inhabit than the knowledge that innocent
people are going to be blown up in their own homes while awaiting their next
meal, it’s a touching tribute to Obama.”
Although unavailable for comment at press time, The Durian’s D.C. correspondent caught
sight of Obama taking his faithful pet predator drone out on his morning jog.
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