Manila, The Philippines – “Yes! Fuck yes! Việt Nam vô địch!” whooped an ecstatic Nguyen
Bữa Tiệc after watching the Vietnamese football team comprehensively knock
Cambodia out of the running for a gold medal in what he later claimed was “the
only sport he could give a flying fuck about.”
An evidently drunken
Nguyen had taken to his official Facebook page last Saturday, where he appeared
to be commiserating the Cambodian team and praising Vietnam’s one-party state,
before an aide could wrestle the phone from his hand.
The post read “Soz Hun
Sen, guess the better despot won! #Vietnam4-Democracy0 #thrashedem #CambodiaStillHasElectionsLOL
#GetWithTheTimes” but was later deleted. Sources close to Nguyen suggested a
more powerful Nguyen had ordered it stricken from the internet.
One aide who wished
to remain anonymous for fear of his family’s life later explained that Nguyen
had ceased to see this as a sporting contest, but was instead intent on
rendering the glory of the Communist Party into the athletic prowess of the
young Vietnamese heroes on the pitch.
“Seriously, he’s
gone off at the deep-end – I mean football is a decadent Western distraction and
we’ve not even won yet, but it will be pretty embarrassing if we’re beaten by a
team that can go home to legit elections though,” whispered the aide.
“Up yours Indonesia –
what are you gonna do if we win? Elect a new winner?” taunted Nguyen, who for
the fifth time in this year’s Southeast Asia Games assured his aides that
Vietnam’s success depended wholly on a ruthless authoritarian model of
government.
Contending that the
sporting prowess of Vietnam’s football team was guaranteed through nothing less
than total dedication to totalitarianism, Nguyen went on to assert that the
players of democratic countries were too busy worrying about who to vote for to
give 100 percent to the beautiful game.
“If they put as much
effort into training as they did quibbling over human rights, then maybe they’d
stand a chance before the wrath of the Golden Dragons,” laughed Nguyen, who at
34 years of age, was apparently unsure quite how democrats think or exactly
what human rights were.
Despite analysts
pointing out that Southeast Asian democracies were, for the most part, a
perversion of the principles they stood for, Nguyen remained adamant that the
failure of other nations to fully embrace the iron-fisted model of corrupt
governance that Vietnam endures was the reason for their failure at this year’s
SEA Games.
After pointing out
that the Philippines had – at press time – won 320 medals along with enjoying a
semi-functional democracy, while arguably-democratic Indonesia had bagged 245
medals, compared to Vietnam’s 239, The
Durian’s embedded reporter was quickly silenced.
Sources familiar
with the matter saw our reporter being hog-tied and shipped back to Hanoi for
re-education at one of the top secret gulags they house bloggers, porn enthusiasts
and other enemies of the state.
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