Expat holding on to back of motorbike apparently thinks he has something to live for - The Durian - Hanoi's Smelliest News


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Expat holding on to back of motorbike apparently thinks he has something to live for

Tây Hồ, Hanoi – In a what can only be described as a startling display of hubris, expat Gary Leicester was today seen holding onto the back of his friend’s motorbike as though his life had some form of intrinsic value.

Onlookers noted Leicester’s white-knuckled grip on the rear-mounted Oh Shit handle and reportedly felt a collective surge of pity and scorn swell up inside them.

“It was, for a fleeting moment, kind of adorable the way he [Leicester] was clinging on as though death won’t come for us all at our most frail and enfeebled, but then it became apparent that he was simply following the programming enciphered within his DNA that insists against all reason that his life must have some meaning or purpose,” reflected bystander and biped, Clara McGovern, adding that Leicester’s futile act of despair may save his life in a minor traffic incident, but may well inflict upon him all of the unknown sufferings that lurk in the murky uncertainty of the future.

Leicester, 31, who sources later confirmed is yet to comprehend the true emptiness of his own existence in a godless world of arbitrary brutality, has been teaching English part-time in a language centre, where he mistakenly believes his educational “methods” are of merit to students.

“Whether it’s driving in Hanoi or anywhere else atop this ball of rock hurtling through the vast, unknowable void of space, it’s important to recognise that the reaper’s scythe could swoop low and claim any one of us at any time,” spouted fellow motorist Elijah Johnson.

“That’s why I only drive drunk in Hanoi, to cope with the stress of it all – well that and the fact that as a white man in Vietnam, my actions have no consequence regardless,” added Johnson, before careening off into the swirling mechanical hornets’ nest of Hanoi’s road network.

Noting Leicester’s apparent optimism for the future in spite of the myriad evidence mounting up to suggest such an outlook would be foolhardy at best, housemate and equally doomed lost ESL soul Richard Mangrove was taken aback to hear of Leicester’s concern for his own wellbeing, given the state of his life.

“Not being funny, but does he know what sort of job prospects await after two years in the purgatory of English teaching? I mean, if you think a life of grovelling at the altar of a crushing capitalist system is one worth living, then by all means hold on to that bike tight, but for me I’d rather embrace the void and welcome death’s embrace as a sparing from the hideousness abound,” sighed Mangrove as he poured himself another glass of bia hoi.

At press time Leicester was spotted at a local restaurant deliberating over whether to order phở bò tái lăn or phở bò tái chin, seemingly uncaring that his digestive system would pulverise each into shit just as willingly and that – ultimately – it would have no bearings upon his manifest destiny to rot back into the earth’s soil and follow the way of all flesh.

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